I had a blog boiling in my brain for a while now. It was going to be a letter to a friend of my soon to be ex-husband about how his words and assumptions about me hurt Chris more than they will ever hurt me. However, quite a few things have happened since then that has opened my mind to a wider vein of thought.
We are judgmental by instinct. Often the things we perceive about people are mere assumptions and often not the truth. People are complex. We will never know their hearts, unless we openly discuss what it is we want to know or think we see in a person. Even then we may or may not get their truth. Part of the beautiful mystery that makes this human experience.
I thought first on how many times I have been taken the wrong way. How my curiosity about people is often misconstrued as interest. How my thoughtful kindness and loving words are often sought after as desire. How my venting and wondering often comes off as ungrateful or regret. How my positivity means I am strong and able to conquer all without help. How opening up to people leads to them thinking I am negative and hateful. How my having three kids out-of-wedlock without a degree is a target for being unintelligent, handout hungry, and a leech on society. Thankfully, there are a handful of amazing people who love me, who invest in me, who try their best to help me. They know me.
Then I got to thinking, am I the handful that gives in to perception or to the painful task of discovering truth. Both, honestly, as everyone does. Perception often wins though. Communication is scary. Being a Fluffer is easy. What is a fluffer? A fluffer is someone who only skims the surface of one’s life. They buffer feelings like loneliness and hurt. They might indulge occasionally in a deep conversation but don’t have much to offer because they don’t really know you. I despise being a fluffer or having fluffers. I am too curious and think life means too much. Yet, it still happens. As well as making presumptions about other people.
It is true though, that what you assume about others defines you. I’m often defined as a flirtatious, impulsive, positive person. What people don’t know is it takes all of my energy to NOT be introverted. It takes even more energy for me to be positive. So much so that I have made it a lifestyle to avoid the downward spiral that lingers incredibly close. Every decision I make is over thought as my mind is always on hyper drive. As far as flirting goes I compliment people just trying to lift them up; but we live in such a disconnected, negative society they take it as more. I don’t know how to flirt. Never have. My version of flirting is like a realllllly bad, blatant pick up line. No joke. So, I don’t flirt. I just be me.
Being me has to be good enough in all circumstances. For some people it isn’t and never will be good enough. That is ok. I just hope that maybe now, more of you will ask me instead of assume. Maybe more of you will look at your lives and discover who your fluffers are and what they are fluffing. Maybe we can look at our perceptions and see how they are defining ourselves and hurting other people. Maybe, just maybe, this will help me put some more good out there. That is what matters most.
Ps. On that note: