Separated and Not Dying of Cancer
Life is full of voyages that often have no explanation of purpose. Or so it seems. Perhaps through the emotions and selfish thoughts, we lack the clarity to see any purpose. However each endeavor changes us and don’t you think that is often purpose enough.
I have been absent in the blogging world the last year while discovering the changes life was and has brought me. As I emerge, I find myself free and ready to dive back into writing once again. And so, I am going to share with you two of my most recent adventures.
As of Easter Sunday, Chris and I have officially separated and have plans to divorce. Before you gasp, grab your heart/ mouth, and mutter how terrible, devastating, and disheartening this is… please read on. This is our choice and it is none of your business. We owe no one our stories or explanations for we are the only ones who need them and know them. Know this though, we love each other. With that love we have found that as intimate man and wife; we are toxic to one another. With that said, that doesn’t mean we both haven’t done and said terrible things that we regret. Or, that we haven’t done and said dastardly things we truly meant. Understand each of those actions have hurt us yet helped us to where we are today. Each of us have wonderful friends & family who have stood strong by our sides, even in not knowing what was happening. We thank you. We have come to this place where we are friends again. We honestly find each other amazing and want each other to fulfill our potentials and find ultimate happiness. Again, yeah it sucks pretty bad that it wasn’t with each other as that was our goal. Though we will have plenty of struggles ahead, leave your sadness with first sentence of this paragraph; our blessings are abundant!
We recently had one of our most trying and scary tests as friends. I have been having random and weird pain in my left side by my l week I performed another self check. I found several lumps in my left breast between the rib wall and breast tissue wall. Thinking I was crazy once again, I had him check what I felt. It was confirmed. One was larger than the others and hurt. I instantly researched my ass off. I knew that it was nothing, yet that was when panic set in. I was so sure it was nothing and that positivism scared me. What if it was like so many things I was sure about that blew up in my face. Remember in school when you were sure you bombed that test and would make a high B. Or the opposite would happen; the test was the easiest A youever encounter yet you managed a 63… YEAH, thus the source of my panic. Regardless I over think things all the way through. Chris and I talked about what would happen for us and our family if it was cancer. We even talked about if it was some crazy aggressive whatever and I only had a week to live. I like to be prepared, yet none the less I was sure it was nothing. He had determined I was not allowed to die as he knew he’d end up in a Lord of the Flies situation left with the boys alone.
Today I went to the doctor. Doc determined I have two fibroid cysts over my ribs. Being on a rib made it a little hard to determine. Thirty percent of women get them. Normally women get them due to caffeine consumption, I however did not and we are unsure why I got them. He did warn me though if they get bigger or harden then I will
need to be seen again. As of now, I am stuck with the irritation due to being a full figured woman and needing a bra to curb gravity. Our fears have been put to rest, sort of! Ha!
Here are the lessons learned. Slow down. Enjoy the ride. Try and find some clarity before you start proclaiming injustice to the world, for the only injustice done you are doing to yourself. Never regret the good memories but know they are what you miss. Do not bind yourself to the bad memories for they are lessons that are waiting to be learned so you can move forward. Keep those you love close, even if they aren’t meant to be yours. Most importantly, CHECK YOUR BOOBIES!!! Guys and girls alike on this one, as the Doc himself orders!
PS. I have started a project with my friend, Peter Germany. We will be making my flash fiction The Residents into a novel or few! Oh, and you should turn this up, shake it, and reflect on the life you live and love it!
I see them all the time. Two faced people. One face recognizable with memories and emotion thought forgotten… as its been left to past. One face older, worn, and a complete stranger. Two faces. Two people. The past and the present. I dunno about you, but for me, I have lived a lot if lessons to get to this present state.
I apparently look tired. I was told this by another mom at basketball practice for my eldest. I was sitting there gabbing away with another basketball dad when suddenly someone interrupted.
A tall, slender and sleek, gentleman excused himself as he swore he knew
me from somewhere.
The eyes gave it away. Every conversation, glance, and exchange came back. I smiled and leapt up giving him an unsuspected hug. ” Mark!!”
Then it hit me, I was hugging a stranger. I hardly knew him when he was fun and friendly and safe. Now, i don’t know him at all, just a former impression.
We then proceeded to have a slightly awkward convo. And on the way home all I could think and even say aloud was, “That was weird!!” Ever still trying to shake the feeling. Even wondering what kind of impressions my former self vs. my present self might have left with him.
Not just him but everyone. As I’ve mentioned, I’ve lived a lot of life.
Was there anything that was in then that still makes me now…. I mean other than consistency in changing my hair
What about you?
My friend Scott couldn’t have said it better:
Today is a time to band together in grief, support, and help. Whether you pray, send vibes or juju, donate, or many of the other ways we support one another; It is time to use those concepts. Put religion and politics aside and help the hurting today.
If you chose to donate here are some helpful places that the The Huffington Post (click to see article) have addressed as best organizations to make donations.
Please feel free to add any other organizations in the comments. If you add one and it doesn’t seem legit, I will delete your comment. If you post any comment of political or religious debate, I will delete it. Again, refer to Scott’s quote above. That is precisely how I feel about this tragedy at the moment.
That is what I kept saying to myself; ‘There is no use crying over spilt milk.” Well… that, and my cursing the Chinese. Why do they have to be right all the time.Here I was regretting my laughing earlier. “HAHAHA! No way the Dog is right today! I’m feeling callous not emotional.’
Damn Chinese horoscope. I can’t help but read it since it sneaks up and has to bitch slap me, showing me its right ALL THE TIME.
Anyway. Let’s rewind to ten minutes earlier.
I just walked back into Jakin’s therapy office. The cool air hit making me more aware than ever of my glistening face, the wet hair on the back of my neck, and the river of sweat running down my spine forming a pool right above my crack… Ah, nothing like 100+ degree Oklahoma heat to make a woman feel even more like one with the ‘‘People of Walmart.’‘ Read more
According to you:
I am a slut. Stupid. I am white trash. I’m a whore. Druggie. I’m on welfare. I live off the system. I am a redneck. I trick men to stay with me by having babies. I am going to hell. I have no education. My mother raises my children. I’m an alcoholic. I am a hippie. The spawn of satan. I am a statistic. Immoral. I’m poor. I buy my food with food stamps. I am an addict. I steal. I cheat. I am ignorant. Weak. I’m ugly. I am a bad person. I drain society. Horrible. I am a monster.
My children are bastards. My children are a statistic. My children have no future. My children deserve better. My children are exposed to drugs, sex, alcohol, and other atrocities. My children will be menaces of society. My children will be in gangs. My children will go to jail. My children don’t have a shot at being happy, successful, or moral. My children will take advantage of others. My children are not loved. My children should not have been born.
And now I abuse my children.
Oh? You didn’t say that? I am sorry if I am mistaken, but you are part of society, right? You vote, elect, and support the political and religious people who say these things consistently for my children to hear. You don’t? Good for you, but have you ever said any of these things about a person without knowing them, their children, or their circumstances? I know I have. By the way, none of those things you have said of me or my children have an ounce of truth to them. Most often neither are those that we say of complete strangers.
I have also grown since then. A lot of people have, thankfully, since quite a few of my awesome friends can marry, have children, and rights! However this year we suddenly seem to have all of these laws attacking women. The War on Women, as many deem it, has the world wondering if women really know what to do with their vaginas, eggs, and reproductive health. Now for a cherry on top Wisconsin lawmaker Glenn Grothman has introduced a bill stating single parenthood is child abuse. (Click for article.) Read more
Long has it been since I’ve felt super. Be it super Mom, Friend, Wife, or importantly Super Self. Trials and tests are hard and breaking. If we never shed our minds and souls the way lizards shed their skin, we would never grow into something more than what we are.
For the first time since November, I feel great. No, not super. I have grown. Leaving super for a rainy, bad hair day. I have the house closest to spotless since we moved. The kids are loving each other and life. My husband and I are working through things in ways we hadn’t before. I am starting back on my writing. I am at peace. I am strong. I finally found my ADULT self. It took a lot to get me here. It was torture. Through the wild pain and confusion, I woke today great.
In November, a person blatantly lied to my face and she shunned my small family. She meant the world to me but it was time to stand up for my family. In January, Read more
Dear Aunt Flow,
There is no other way to say this except bluntly. I hate you.
I despise you so much I refuse to call you Aunt. Anyway, we aren’t even related. Don’t both with the “blood relative” excuse because I am positive that wasn’t what they meant when they coined the term. Read more
So last night, when most people are sleeping, I was tending baby. When baby went to sleep I decided to indulge my impulsive behaviors and color my hair! I threw together a poll and I got a few people to vote.
Here is what the results were as of two minutes ago:
So I was thinking going Dirty Blonde with some purple OR Dark Brown with some pink or yellow. I asked Hubster what he thought while he was somewhat lucid. His response, “RED.”
This is my red before:
Still sick, but I am getting better slowly. So here is the process that I went through:
So, I didn’t quite go Blonde or Brunette. I actually am a GINGER! Very Strawberry Blonde with a few sections dipped in deep purple.
What do you think?
Thank you all for participating and being so awesome! Hope I didn’t disappoint even if I pulled a fast one outta left field on you!