I have been in an absolutely HORRID mood for the last few weeks.
Truth is I am going through many growing pains in my life. Looking deeply at my past choices, the way I handled taking responsibility, and the consequences (good and bad) of those choices; All in trying to make the best steps forward while trying to understand who I am and want to be. Most of all how the past brought me here :)
To me it is a little funny how people handle their past. We act like the things and people we once invested in were the worst decisions and waste of feeling in our lives. Perhaps they were. However, the lessons learned and growth make it worth more than the waste. In my opinion, no ounce of love is ever wasted. They are all seeds, love. These seeds are at times for our own souls, for the ones we give love to, but more often the ones we never think about – those who witness our love and destruction. These people could be our family, children, friends, those in our extracurricular activities , and people we will never know. It gives hope and reassurance. My perspective…
What I find more interesting is how people handle other’s past. We try so desperately to act like our past is nothing to us now. People know differently though because of the way we react. The little things really give it away. Acting defensive, name calling, using memes that use humor to mask our bitterness, continual venting; all ways that show the negativity. Some people indulge in encouraging these behaviors when you in this state. Some people just listen. Some people choose sides. Some people turn their heads. Some walk away. Each with their own reasoning. Once the years go by and past is no longer the present mess, those reactions from people tell you more about their unresolved issues than your own past.
I have four children by four separate men. People are often surprised my boys are well-behaved. Once people, whom often I just met in the line at a grocery store, have this information their responses are typically as follows:
- ‘Which church do you all belong to; they do so well with your boys!?’
- ‘You must have an amazing support system!’
- ‘You’re lucky God has blessed you with such great children!’
- Their lips stiffen and they are suddenly uninterested in finishing the discussion they started.
The fact that each of my boys has a different father automatically disqualifies the way I have handled that situation and how I am as a mother. There is no way that the way they are is because of me since I obviously make bad choices. Really, it has nothing to do with me as they often don’t know me at all. It has to do with society and also with others they have known. Once people have gotten to know me, they adore me and often are too gracious in their compliments.
Another example is a fight I started a few weeks ago. Yup, I started a fight. I knew better, but I just couldn’t resist. I used fact and tried leaving the emotions out of the debate. What was being said beyond upset me and I went into protector mode for some friends as well as family. Due to the nature of the conversation I knew it wouldn’t be looked at as a debate but attack thus how I started a ‘fight.’ Looking back on it now, I realize the rift wasn’t so much about what she was saying (which does upset me) but more so because she is getting deeply involved in a religious way that HURTS others. I was once very involved in the same type of religious pursuit and hurt several people including myself… Though I hate to admit this, I was protecting her too. Frankly, she is better than that.Though I do not regret our conversation nor what was said, it didn’t just come from a place of frustration but more so of guilt. Guilt of my own past involvements in such pursuits that blindly hurt so many people.
The past will always be relative whether warranted or not. Don’t truly squander your life wallowing because of time you feel was wasted. Make your peace with it. Own it. It not only heals your own soul but your reactions to others :)